genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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