im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
