i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
