Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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