she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
