Where is the hickey?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
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