I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize