In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
