Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
