her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
