3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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