i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
