I think I died a long time ago.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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