Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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