i'm signing you up for texting rehab
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
