Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
