I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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