so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
