Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
