I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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