Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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