I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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