1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
you inspire me to be a worse person
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
