I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
zippers are such a cool invention
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
