Your face is a jimmy john
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
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