He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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