Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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