All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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