ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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