You just made me feel so damn special
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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