she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
