Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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