seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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