Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
