Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
