What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Sorry about my life...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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