My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
