I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
