This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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