on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
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Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
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I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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