dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
