my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
