I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
