i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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