Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.