Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
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Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
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State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM