Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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