Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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