I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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