Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
