Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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