Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
