watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
why do cheetos always look like penises
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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