I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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