I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
