Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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