Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
