Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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